Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a wide range of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible, extremely knowledgeable in their fields, and motivational. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center, innovative technology, and study abroad programs. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge, friendship, ideas, company, and experience. My personal discussions with my fellow Marist colleagues will also enable me to gain a better understanding of current and past issues. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the competitive but very supportive environment of Marist College. I am sure that Marist College will prepare and produce a well-rounded, aware citizen and that I will be prepared information, skills, and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
Any and every edit will be appreciated, and i'll edit your stuff too! Thanks! I'm in a bit of a rush so ASAP please :)
That first sentence does not say anything. If you start with a general statement like that, it does not convey meaning. Can you start with a sentence that lets the reader know something specific about your unique plan?
Second sentence: no, no, still sounds like a brochure, you may as well fax them their brochure or link them to their website.
I'm sorry to be critical, and I'm sorry it took a few days to respond to you! I think this essay is just a rehashing of their brochures; it does show that you write well, and that is good, but use your excellent writing to show something unique about YOU! For example, this school might be perfect for you because a particular professor is a hero of yours because of your passionate interest in a SPECIFIC aspect of your chosen field.
Most importantly, you write very well, so you should feel confident about everything you do! But look at this essay as though you are seeing it for the first time, and you will know what I mean. It is just a bunch of general statements every college makes about itself.
This is my revised version:
Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a large variety of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center in the James A. Cannavino Library and the FOCUS program which will help assimilate me into life at Marist. Marist also makes registering for classes a personal endeavor in which I'll meet with a professor of my major who will approve or deny my class selections based on my priority points. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge and experiences. Marist's priority point system also appeals to me as it determines where I'll live based on my GPA and extra-curricular activities. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the small yet challenging environment of Marist College. After graduating from Marist, I am sure that will be prepared in information and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
what do you think?
Please help me on this, i''ll be sure to edit your stuff too :)
Still pretty generic. This could have been written by anyone. Why YOU, Naveena?
Marist College is a comprehensive college with a liberal arts tradition located "on the Hudson River" that is gaining a national reputation. The students enjoy the "small class sizes" and being 90 minutes from New York City," providing plenty of opportunities for internships, jobs, and excursions to the greatest city in the world. Students also boast about the "excellent alumni network" and "very strong study abroad program." "Marist just feels like home the moment you pull on to campus," one student says. "You can receive a great education here along with the beautiful view it offers," a Business Administration major explains. "Marist is about opportunity" and the school provides an "enriching community with a variety of clubs, courses, and activities for all students to enjoy." "Marist revolves around progressively learning to obtain jobs for the immediate future" and students graduate "prepared for the workplace." An example of this is the Computer Science program that offers the opportunity for "joint study with IBM." "The partnership with IBM has allowed our school to work side by side with some of the biggest leaders in the technology industry," one student explains. The Fashion Program is also very strong and popular with students. The staff of "incredibly knowledgeable and engaging" professors are "very hands on." "Classes are capped at about twentyfive students," and "most professors are willing to work one-on-one with you to ensure you will progress academically." "Professors generally demonstrate enthusiasm for material, with a soundly deliberate approach to relaying it to students," a Computer Science major clarifies. The faculty really "care about students" and "encourage students to go see them if you are falling behind or have any personal issues." "We are go-getters and a growing college," one happy student says while another sums up Marist thusly: "Marist College is the complete package—academics and extracurricular keep me busy and having fun."
Many Marist students "come from the tri-state area," "but there is also a great variation of people from all over the world with many personalities." The average student is "preppy," "friendly," "well off" and "ready to meet new people." Students are active on campus, and most "join a club, sports team, or Greek life." Students do think that "the diversity could be expanded a little." The school's fashion program seems to influence school style, as many remark that the student body is "nicely dressed" and "up with the latest fashion trends." Some say the school is "very clique based," but that "students find their clique." "Students typically fit in well, even those who differ from the typical student." "Marist is where the nice people go," one Psychology major says. "The students at Marist are the kind of people who hold the door for you and say 'god bless you' when you sneeze."
Although Marist students are "hard workers," "life at Marist is often very relaxing because of its atmosphere and location." Students love to be outside on their "spectacular" "sprawling green campus" that is located "on the beautiful Hudson River." "When the weather is nice you can find the campus littered with all ages and classes enjoying the sun and the open campus areas," a student explains. The location provides students with the best of both worlds. They live in a gorgeous campus and can go to the lovely city of Poughkeepsie "for shopping, hiking, apple picking, or just walking around our rich community." On the other hand, all the big cities pleasures of NYC are just "a train ride away" and students regularly go down for "day or weekend trips to the city." Some students wish there was "bigger Greek life" on campus. On campus, sporting events are popular and the college provides events for students such as "movies, shows, bingo, and open mic." When not at a campus event or going to "historical sites in the Hudson Valley," students like to "go out to parties," "hang out with friends," or attend "random cookie nights in a dorm."